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On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me……….

December 14. 2020

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,

Agnes

 

December 15. 2020

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtledoves that arrived today are adorable, and I’m delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love.

Your Agnes

 

December 16. 2020

Dearest Dave,

You’ve truly been too kind! I must protest; I don’t deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised—what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,

Agnes

 

December 17. 2020

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don’t you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

 

December 18. 2020

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,

Agnes

 December 19. 2020

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,

Agnes

 

December 20. 2020

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don’t get any sleep!!! I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

 

 December 21.2020

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me or you’ll be sorry!

Agnes

 

December 22, 2020

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbours are getting up a petition to evict me, and I’m going out of my mind!

You’ll get yours!

Agnes

 

December 23. 2020

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They’re dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can’t sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn’t be condemned! I can’t even think of a reason! You creep! I’m sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

 

December 24. 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied—you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

 

December 25, 2003

 

Badger, Rees, and Yorker Solicitors

20 Knave Street

Sydney

 Dear sir.

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers—fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Rees, and Yorker